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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27037498">If You Love Me So</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/l_ares/pseuds/l_ares'>l_ares</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Walk on Water (Manhwa)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Triggers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 18:20:32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,026</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27037498</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/l_ares/pseuds/l_ares</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dealing with rape and the depiction thereof in Walk on Water.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Chang Liu/Park Yeowoon, Glenn McQueen/ Park Yeowoon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. I Didn't Do It, I Couldn't Have</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This deals with rape in detail. It's going to be very heavy. Please don't read it if it will trigger anything in you.</p><p>*** This will ruin your week or more so please, please don't read it unless you're up for that kind of mess ***</p>
    </blockquote><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Rape aftermath.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Fingertips trailed down his skin, caressing streaks of ice in their wake. A tongue flicked nausea down his chest, and his body struggled under the weight of man, the temperature of his skin scalding his own, his shape memorized where it intruded his body. </p><p>The fingertips trailed up his skin, shifting, disorienting, and suddenly they were his own on another body, demeaning in their intent, sweating with rage, and meaning to humiliate. </p><p>
  <em> I didn’t do it. I didn’t do anything wrong. </em>
</p><p>Ed gasped for air as he surfaced. He’d sunk into his bathwater, where he tried to forget the dirty traces of that night. </p><p>It had been easier when he was still in shock. Easier when all he could do was simmer and then explode with the anger he felt towards Chang. Easier when only he felt violated and when he didn’t have any inkling that he’d also violated. </p><p>They’d started as errant thoughts. </p><p>In a conversation with McQueen where he expressed his own guilt at what had happened with Ryan. A difficult conversation, in which he couldn’t bring himself to feel any sympathy. Not for Ryan, not for McQueen, not after what had been done to him. </p><p>
  <em> You guys were just acting and you feel like this. Imagine what it feels like to go through for real. </em>
</p><p>His rage had tingled as the anxiety ran up and down his body, filling his stomach with an urgent nauseous feeling. And that’s when the image of him, taking off Chang’s belt and pushing him against the wall had flashed into his mind, accompanied with the contradictory feelings of disgust that Chang's body had left on his skin juxtaposed by his own fingers on Chang’s body as he had asked for Ed to stop. </p><p>
  <em> I didn’t do it. It wasn’t that bad. </em>
</p><p>His thoughts raced as he fell into the recesses of his head, the conversation with McQueen hardly registering. </p><p>
  <em> I couldn’t have done it. </em>
</p><p>An ugly feeling of nausea came up from deep within. </p><p>
  <em> I only did it because I was angry. He made me feel like garbage. He deserved that much and it wasn’t even that bad.  </em>
</p><p>The thoughts paused. When his head was empty, it was empty and he sat with the disgusting feelings his thoughts had left behind. </p><p>
  <em> If anything, look at what he did to me. It was so much worse.  </em>
</p><p>The feelings of Chang’s body inside his own, intruding his deepest places arose suddenly within him, this time with the images of every place he’d touched Chang’s body – to intrude, to humiliate, to hurt. </p><p>
  <em> I didn’t–– </em>
</p><p>He got up abruptly and stumbled to the bathroom as his vision faded and his heart beat rapidly, the urge to hit something or jump out of his own skin radiating through his body. </p><p>...</p><p> </p><p>“Yeowoon!” </p><p>Ed came back to McQueen holding his body up over the toilet and patting his back gently as he breathed himself heavily back into reality. </p><p>“Nothing…” He didn’t know where to start. “It’s fine, can you walk me to the bedroom?” </p><p>...</p><p>Chang sat silently with his head in his palms. This was what he did when he wasn’t working. He rarely ate, only remembering to do so when the hunger and dizziness threatened to knock him to the ground. </p><p><em> That </em> night played in his mind on repeat. </p><p>
  <em> I shouldn’t have called him here.  </em>
</p><p>It always started there. Everything would have been different if they’d met at a restaurant. Ed may still have been angry, but <em> that </em> wouldn’t have been possible. </p><p>Now every corner of his own home was a reminder. </p><p>Ed pushing him against the cupboard and stripping his own coat, loosening his tie. His words were a blur. Chang didn’t remember what he’d said. </p><p>Electric energy surged through his veins as Ed had reached over and unbuckled his belt. </p><p>
  <em> What? </em>
</p><p>Shock. Surprise. Disbelief. </p><p>
  <em> Stop… </em>
</p><p>Ed’s fingers continued their assault as Chang watched the scene occur from outside of himself. </p><p>
  <em> If I’d stopped him here, none of this would have happened. I could have pushed him away.  </em>
</p><p>The warmth of Ed’s skin as it brushed against his own. Skin that wasn’t often touched by people he loved. Skin that had, once upon a time, longed for Ed’s touch.</p><p>
  <em> But not like this. Not so angry. Don’t touch me like this because you’re mad at me.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Why, cuz you’re feeling turned on?”  </em>
</p><p>Chang felt himself choking. Nothing was around his neck but he couldn't breathe. </p><p>
  <em> Yes.  </em>
</p><p>Ed wasn't stopping, but he didn't want to be hurt by this.He liked sex. He wanted it. He wasn’t going to feel bad because of something like sex. If Ed wanted it, they could do it. It was <em> just </em> sex. He couldn’t be hurt by it. </p><p>He knew what came next, but he didn't remember the details. He could recite the order of events, and he understood it intellectually, but the moments were gone, remaining in his memory only as nouns and verbs. </p><p>Ed wanted to stop but <em>he</em> couldn’t stop himself. </p><p>
  <em> You didn’t want to stop when I wanted to stop.  </em>
</p><p>Chang gulped as the ugly feelings came up once more. </p><p>
  <em> “I’m already tempted.” </em>
</p><p>The rest was blank. He knew what he’d done but he couldn’t think it. He tried and tried, but all he managed was a weak think around it. He couldn’t even articulate what had happened in full sentences. He only felt his feelings with regard to it and his thoughts in response to it. </p><p>
  <em>I deserved it.  </em>
</p><p>Chang couldn’t think past that. All of his feelings for Ed were sweet, and that sweetness had always made him suffer. </p><p>
  <em> How can it hurt this bad. </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>What I wanted to write about was rape and how things don't have to be penis in vagina / asshole to "count". I think that seems to be the assumption––that it's not really that bad if the act wasn't completed. I think it's bad enough to experience someone even attempting to come at you with that energy, and I think when it happens, it's also a somewhat normal response to try to defuse the situation by trying to make it into a "normal" or what you would imagine as consensual interaction. It's a way to try to control it when you think that something like that can't be happening to you. </p><p>Or anyway, that's what this portrayal triggered in me, as a reminder of something that I was pushing aside in my own head. Of course for me, being a woman, the person violating consent can't also decide that they didn't want the sex and that I was the one violating them. </p><p>I don't think there's a right way of dealing with what was depicted in Walk on Water and I don't think that it's so easy to assign blame there. I think that the reaction that was written for Chang was extreme and violent, but I don't want to judge his reaction because if Ed did that to me I'd probably beat the shit out of him... Like I would make sure to break something probably. No sex tho cuz no thank you. But again, someone was *writing* this and decided that it was a good idea to portray it in this fashion. </p><p>If you follow WOW's logic, Ed did what he did (and it doesn't count) but Chang *should* have responded differently. First of all, what Ed does counts. Second, there is no *should* when it comes to someone's reaction to sexual assault. I would love for there to be a way to do that without it backfiring on every / any woman who has ever been assaulted or raped. "Oh she should have x" "she should have y" "why didn't she...?" -- the worst logical edge of this myth applied as an argument being "Oh well since she did or didn't x, she liked it, she wanted it, clearly, and then I said stop but she didn't stop so that makes *her* the rapist." -- ***oof***</p><p>In this fic, Chang thinks he deserved what Ed did to him, but I want to remind you that no one ever deserves to be sexually assaulted. Especially not over some civil dispute like a debt. You don't see me going up to JP Morgan Chase trying to ass rape people who clearly don't want sex just cuz I don't like my credit card debt smh.</p><p>I also think that it is especially disgusting as someone who is writing a story, to choose to write in sexual assault committed by a main character and then to ignore it and its consequences as if the other characters in the story are just bionicles who should never have reacted in any way aside from a perfect conflict deescalation and who don't have any feelings of their own sexual agency and autonomy. It's even worse to then suggest that the person who was assaulted wanted the sex and so then went too far. Disgusting. This isn't a "he said / she said" situation – the altercation is plainly available to anyone who wishes to view it, despite it being written from Ed's perspective. </p><p>Let me just say this for anyone who doesn't understand: don't put your hands on anyone sexually if you don't have their consent, and definitely don't keep doing it if they ask you stop. </p><p>Here is a very important resource for understanding rape and the assault of males:<br/>https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4062022/</p><p>Also, I don't think it's okay to downplay Ed's actions, and you all have access to the webtoon so I'll include the excerpt from the novel again, just for anyone wondering. </p><p>차갑게 피가 어는 느낌에 입술이 딱딱하게 굳었다. "나 박는 것도 기가 막히게 잘해."</p><p>도발에 챙이 눈빛을 달리했다.</p><p>"궁금하면 너도 뚫어 줄까."</p><p>놈의 얼굴이 잔뜩 일그러졌다.</p><p>"뭐?"</p><p>"엎드려."</p><p>얼빠진 표정으로 나를 내려다 보던 놈이 찬 웃음을 터트렸다. 내 꼴이 우습다는 것을 서슴없이 가르쳐 주려는 듯이 과장된 웃음을 흘리 며 비스듬히 문에 기대었던 몸을 떼었다. 나는 녀석의 눈을 똑바로 보며 입고 있던 외투를 바닥으로 집어 던졌다. 넥타이를 끄 르고 위쪽 단추를 풀어 셔츠를 바닥으로 팽개 쳤 다.</p><p>"엎드 리라고."</p><p>"그만 하…."</p><p>안경을 벗겨서 바닥으로 던져 버렸다. 입꼬리에 매달려 있던 웃음 기가 없어졌다. 챙의 시선이 바닥으로 아무렇게나 던져진 안경에 닿았다.</p><p>"주워."</p><p>안경에서 내게로 시선을 옮긴 챙이 표정없이 나를 응시했다. 놈의 입가 근육이 단단하게 굳는 것이 느껴졌다. 힘 주어 나를 노려 보 고는 챙은 허리를 숙여 안경을 향해 손을 뻗었다. 안경을 벽을 향해 걷어차 버렸다. 무시 무시하게 화난 얼굴로 챙은 고개를 들었다.</p><p>"왜, 그 짓 할 때 너는 안경 안 쓴다 며."</p><p>챙은 코웃음조차 치지 않았다. 챙의 바지에 손을 뻗었다. 벨트를 풀고, 버클을 뜯어 내듯 잡아 당겼다.</p><p>"자극하지 마라."</p><p>지퍼를 내리던 손을 챙의 손이 잡아 챘다. 손목이 비 틀려 아팠지 만, 나를 던져 버리고 싶은 초조 한 표정을 보며 남은 손을 마저 뻗었 다. 보란 듯이 바지 안에 밀어 넣었던 셔츠 자락을 위로 끌 렀다. 옆구 리에 땀에 젖은 손이 끈적하게 들러 붙자 챙의 눈이 싸늘 해졌다. 그 눈을 노려 보며 손을 더 밀었다. 등허리를 덮은 셔츠 자락을 끌 어 올렸다. 챙의 입에서 욕설이 짓이겨졌다. 실금처럼 깨어진 챙의 표정을 보자 저열 한 희열이 느껴졌다.</p><p>그 순간, 뒷머리가 채였다. 어깨가 억눌려 등 뒤의 침대 위로 밀쳐졌다. 주먹을 뻗는 느낌에 눈을 질끈 감았 다.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Asylum</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>:/</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Ed sat at the dining table with Ryan. It was a cool day, but spring was beginning to peak gently out from behind the grey skies and wispy clouds. It had been cold enough for a jacket, but he’d stripped it off as soon as he’d gotten inside. Underneath was a royal blue toned sweater; a sweater that hugged him close and felt like a certain gentleness he thought about from time to time.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s a luxurious sweater…” Ryan eyed him curiously. “Seems more suited to someone else.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ed smiled at Ryan and gazed off into space. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You like it? Keep it.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Chang had taken it off without a thought and put it into his bag when he’d refused it. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What good is a sweater from you, after everything you’ve put me through?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He laughed internally and thought back to the dinner that Chang had made him come out to. Jeanine and Jennifer had eaten cluelessly as he’d sat next to Chang, the memories of that night pushing violently for space in his consciousness. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d noticed Chang keeping his distance. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh, you’re afraid to be alone with me now?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>At first, it had pleased him. He was glad to know that he’d shaken Chang to his core, that after everything, it was Chang who was nervous to be around him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d waited for his apology, and when dinner had progressed uneventfully, he’d followed Chang to the bathroom. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Take it… take everything…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Ed had watched the unfamiliar sheepishness to Chang’s mannerisms as he'd offered to reimburse Ed's loan payments. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Don’t be a stranger…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He hadn’t wanted anything more from Chang and he’d told him as much as he’d walked away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But now... Maybe.. He thought otherwise. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Say, Ryan…” He’d thought for a while about how he would approach this topic. “Can I ask you about how you feel about McQueen?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ryan grimaced. Ed could tell this topic was still fresh, but a forceful bit of selfishness made him continue his inquiry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Or, more like, will you ever be able to forgive him completely?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ryan laughed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I told you a while ago that if I blamed only myself, I would have been in an asylum.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ed thought about Chang. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I wonder if you blame only yourself.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s just it. Keeping myself from forgiving him completely gives me somewhere to keep my anger.” Ryan paused. “And I don’t have to forgive him. He was wrong.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ed held his breath as scenes from that night accosted his mind’s eye. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What if you were in the wrong?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ryan scoffed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s your boyfriend but don’t push it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, sorry… I’m not talking about you and McQueen.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ed continued to gaze off into the distance. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I thought I wanted you to suffer as much as you loved me, so why am I the one suffering?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Ed took a deep breath. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What if you tried to force someone and you wouldn’t stop when they told you to. And maybe you pushed them over the edge or maybe they just retaliated and they ended up forcing you… who would you blame then?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ryan looked Ed dead in the eyes with a perplexed expression. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re asking me to feel bad for someone who outright tried to rape someone?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was silence between them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But they ended up getting raped instead…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Poetic justice, no? Isn’t that what they call just desserts?” Ryan rolled his eyes before noticing Ed’s increasingly souring expression. “Please tell me you didn’t try to force anyone.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ed’s breath became shallow as the realization set in. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I was just mad. It wasn’t like that.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I thought if anyone, it was you who would just push me aside and think nothing of it. I thought that’s just how we were. We fight all the time. It was just like that. That nothing I could do would be that serious to you. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>A slow tear trickled down Ed’s face. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But what you did <strong>was</strong> that serious to me… </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“I did.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ed pulled the blue sweater he was wearing around him more snugly as the slow tears turned into a stream. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>If Chang's debt had ruined their relationship and made Ed's life difficult, this might have made both of their lives unlivable. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I changed my mind, hyung. Don't hurt. And definitely not as much as you loved me. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Because I don't want to hurt either. </span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I would have been able to ignore what Ed did if the story didn't follow up with that righteous "I hope you hurt me as much as you loved me, I want to break you too" nonsense. I don't think I would be writing this if it hadn't done that. Like all of the story's context considered it's still extra specially disgusting. </p><p>Here we have someone who assaulted someone sexually, seeing the same assault against him, in response to his own actions of the same exact thing as some sort of irreparable personal tragedy. It wasn't a personal tragedy for him when you were doing it? Yikes. When the feminist collective says no one asks to be assaulted and no one should be blamed for what they did to be in a situation where they were assaulted, attempted rape doesn't qualify as an innocuous set of actions. </p><p>That's authorial deceit though, and I am glad that slip up is in there, because it helps elucidate the buffoonery.  </p><p>I t is so bad. This whole thing is so bad.</p><p>Oh and yeah the restaurant scene is an extra in the novel where Chang offers Ed everything back, I just took it as is but summarized. The blue sweater scene is later in that same extra and Ryan asks about the sweater and the reader is left to assume that it's Chang's sweater. The narration switches to Ed's feelings about Chang, so that's probably right. </p><p>Also, these extras are in 3rd person so we have more insight into what characters other than Ed are actually thinking or feeling, and Chang is too nervous to be alone with Ed, keeps a distance, etc.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. I Don't Care What You Did</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ed comes clean with McQueen.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ed sat in the kitchen moving leftover bits of cereal through his milk. McQueen was cooking something but it would take a while. It didn’t matter, Ed had no appetite. </p><p>“I saw Ryan today.” </p><p>McQueen grimaced. The ongoing relationship between Ed and Ryan was an uncomfortable one for McQueen. Just like he was now living with Ed, he’d lived together with Ryan for a few years, and their falling out had become one of the most complex and convoluted aspects of his life. </p><p>“Oh yeah? What’d you guys do.” </p><p>“We talked.”</p><p>Somehow, the idea that they talked made him nervous. The colliding of his two worlds, past and present, always left the possibility of destruction wide open. It wasn’t an uncertainty he enjoyed. </p><p>“What if I told you that someone pushed me against a wall and took off my belt and unbuckled my pants. And they wouldn’t stop when I told them to.”</p><p>“What…?”</p><p>“And then kept pushing me and shoving their hands in my underwear.” </p><p>McQueen’s blood pressure started rising. He took a baited breath, but Ed spoke before he could continue. </p><p>“And because of that I lost it and pushed them back, got into a fight, and then forced them into sex.”</p><p>McQueen took another measured breath. </p><p>“Did that bastard Chang Liu do that to you?”</p><p>There was silence between them. </p><p>“Good for you. You got him back and taught him his lesson. I don't blame you, I can't imagine what you went through when he was doing that to you. Fucking disgusting asshole.” </p><p>This time the silence continued into what seemed like an eternity. </p><p>"I wish I could kill him."</p><p>“It’s what I did to him.” </p><p>McQueen dropped the pan he was holding and a loud clang reverberated through the room. </p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I did that to him. Chang Liu bought me but he didn’t want to have sex. He made me angry so I pushed him and touched him.” </p><p>“You told me what happened between you wasn’t your will…” </p><p>“It wasn’t.” </p><p>“But you–”</p><p>“Not a word more.” </p><p>Ed got up and walked upstairs to his separate room and locked himself inside. He’d given himself away to McQueen, but what right did McQueen have to judge him? If anything, the two of them belonged together and now McQueen could find solace in the fact that Ed, too, was capable of atrocity in the heat of the moment. </p><p>Not even ten minutes had passed before Ed heard McQueen coming up the stairs and knocking on the door. </p><p>Ed sat for a few minutes, silent. </p><p>The knocking came again. </p><p>He went to the door and opened it, letting in a harrowed McQueen who hugged Ed immediately, holding him tightly. </p><p>“I don’t care what you did.” </p><p>Ed gasped into the tight hug. </p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I don’t care what you did, I’m going to take your side.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yeah unexpected writing from yours truly but this is what feels about right for these two imo. At first, this work was impossible because I refused to write Glenn McQueen, but I'm learning to treat him like a useful prop lol. </p><p>Fun fact, he was supposed to show up in an epilogue of Slowdance on the Inside but I couldn't stand him so I didn't write it lol. I might add the update but I don't have the energy to reread Slowdance on the Inside lmfao. Emotional sauce is exhausted.</p><p>Also McQueen is supposed to be on a trip to California on the day Ed meets Ryan and wears the sweater and they have this really mundane conversation about what people are wearing. Incredible... So I just decided to write him at home instead because le creative license.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Anything...</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Chang continues to have messed up flashbacks.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This whole fic is one fat trigger warning so please be careful reading.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chang lay in his bed, his energy sapped by the consecutive sleepless nights. </p><p>This shirt he had worn to sleep was slightly mussed and exposed his pelvic bone. The feeling of air on his exposed skin brought his attention to those parts. </p><p>He felt Ed’s skin on his own, where Ed's palms had touched. The mixture of surprise and disbelief had given way to a simple feeling of pleasure, now that he was used to the flashbacks. </p><p>Ed touched his pelvis, the fingers undid his belt roughly, and he felt them press against him as they undid his button and unzipped his pants. </p><p>A soft feeling rose up at the memory of the touch, interrupted only by his inability to breathe. </p><p>
  <em> It feels good. </em>
</p><p>He imagined Ed’s face and replaced the angry expression with a gentle one from older memories. </p><p>
  <em> “Liu, do you love me?”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “...”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “You love me.”  </em>
</p><p>He felt Ed’s hands push further into his underwear and imagined himself touching Ed’s face with his hands. </p><p>
  <em> “I do… I do love you.”  </em>
</p><p>Ed continued to mess with the band of his underwear, pushing his hand about and grinning at him slyly. </p><p>He blushed and felt uncharacteristically shy. </p><p>
  <em> “Don’t do that…” </em>
</p><p>Ed’s sweet face was suddenly replaced with the angry one from that night. </p><p>
  <em> “Why? Cuz you’re feeling turned on? Bend over.” </em>
</p><p>Chang’s breath caught. He tried to force the happy image of Ed back into his head. He knew what was coming and he tried to push it away. </p><p>
  <em> “Okay.”  </em>
</p><p>Chang flipped himself onto his stomach and buried his head into the pillow. </p><p>
  <em> “If it’ll make you happy… okay. Anything... If it’ll make you happy. Take everything… But… Just… Don't leave me... ”  </em>
</p><p>He felt himself losing consciousness, and welcomed the sleep that finally came.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>:( I feel bad. </p><p>It's so funny because Chang has been so easy to write in the other fics, but material for this one comes in bursts and I don't even feel right writing most of it out so it's heavily censored. I'm trying to balance just enough information for people to get the point against so much information that everyone gets traumatized. </p><p>The focus of his perspective is the confusion of being assaulted by someone you love and liking it but hating what they did to you. Ugh *want to vomit*. </p><p>Also, I never ever thought I'd be tackling this topic publicly in any form, but 2020 is what it is... I hope I'm done after this fic.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Sunbeams</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The last chapter.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chang Liu got up early. It was Saturday and he didn't know when he'd lost his habit of sleeping into the afternoon. He wolfed down his breakfast and didn't think about tasting the food. He didn't know when he'd lost the pleasure he gained from eating his meticulously thought out meals either. </p><p>But it was fine because what he'd gained in their stead was a possibility of survival. Things were dull, he couldn't feel, he couldn't taste—hell he could rarely get it up. But there was solace in not feeling things so strongly. </p><p>He remembered this phase vaguely from the aftermath of his accident. He didn't know what was on the other side, but he knew, vaguely, that he'd make it to the other side. But that was for another time. </p><p>Shesing looked at him with an annoyed look on her face. </p><p>"Did you bring the flowers?" </p><p>"Mmm." </p><p>"Use your words, you manchild." She rolled her eyes as she rushed to check the decorations. </p><p>He owed Shesing a lot. Despite the tenuous relationship they'd had as he'd grown up, she was the one who'd noticed that he was looking ill and losing weight and she was the one who'd put him on an administrative leave of sorts until he could get a handle on himself. </p><p>She'd threatened to go assault Ed when she'd finally heard the story of what had happened, and she'd sent Youyu over consistently to babysit him. </p><p>He'd never truly thought he didn't need a family, and now he acknowledged that he'd probably only survived because Shesing had all but adopted him. </p><p>He grinned at her retreating figure and leaned against the wall in the reception area where he'd be receiving the guests. He'd seen a certain name on the list and wondered if the day held a certain reunion for him. </p><p>...</p><p>"Ed Talbot?" Chang didn't look up from the register. </p><p>"Plus two." Ed had grimaced at the sight of Chang, but his heart had dropped at the distance created by the name Chang called him. </p><p>
  <em>You are the one who didn't want to be strangers.</em>
</p><p>He bit his lip as he thought about how Chang of the past would have greeted him slyly as Park Yeowoon regardless of what had been written on the guest list. He didn't bite back hard enough because a few stray tears dripped down from his face and onto Chang's podium. </p><p>Chang looked up at Ed and smiled painfully before pulling out a box of tissues. </p><p>"We have them set up at various corners of the restaurant, quite a few people are feeling emotional about how old the birthday boy's gotten." </p><p>Ed accepted the tissue before choking out a thank you and walking into the restaurant. </p><p>Chang heaved a heavy sigh.</p><p>He hadn't known what the day held for him when he'd seen that name on the guest list. He hadn't expected anything good and he'd steeled his nerves to prepare for it.</p><p>He'd even made a plan of action. He wasn't going to make eye contact if they ran into each other, and he would go home if it became too much to handle. He'd smirked ruefully at how pathetic he'd become.</p><p>But those few tears had fallen onto his podium and cracked the layers of ice that had formed around him. </p><p>Chang stared at the tears for a long time. As they slowly evaporated, leaving behind ripples in the paper, he felt the warmth of the sun on his skin for the first time in a long time. </p><p>
  <em>Thank you. Park Yeowoon. </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I was quite pained by this because I didn't know how Chang was gonna survive it (though I did know that he would). I didn't have a plan coming into this chapter. I'd thought about various scenarios and none of them had felt right. </p><p>This is the third time I've written something in this universe like an oracle where I came in with no plan or idea what I was going to write but something got written anyway. I'm amused. Also I'm glad that this solved itself because I really had no idea about the scope of what I was dealing with emotionally / psychologically for Mr. Chang. </p><p>Shesing is Youyu's mom and Chang's cousin. I don't know how to romanize her name. She plays a decently large role in Chang's life. She and he decided what to do with Granny Ling Bao when they put her in senior care, she had her husband take Chang on in the organization, and she was even present watching Ed grow up alongside Chang. She doesn't seem to think much of Ed and Ed talks a lot of shit on her lol. </p><p>Welp if it feels like this was abrupt as far as an ending goes, it's because I couldn't handle it emotionally. I have had 5 nights of bad dreams and I'm not trying to live my life like Natsume Soseki (comment below if u got my dad joke). </p><p>All of my stories have been alternate universe and hanging out in the aftermath of WOW universe gave me this horribly disgusting / demented / cursed feeling. The whole mindset that created this is bad bad bad vibes. </p><p>I think the rest of what I'm going to do is finish writing RPG in B Sides and then hopefully quarantine will let up and I will go live my life.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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